Oh, Hi! Welcome To Ohi!

I am Dullard, the state capitol city of the great city state of Ohi.

Oh, hi! Welcome to Ohi! Perfect together for lovers.

Lovers are welcome in Ohi, especially in Ohi’s capital city of Dullard, in all shapes, forms, colors and denominations because, Dullard, Ohi does not discriminate against lovers based on religion, ethnicity, nationality, gender, race, age, looks, marital status, appearance, weight or preference for sex.

A great city state is like a great woman; proud and beautiful and uniquely sexy and Dullard, Ohi, founded in 1412 was the original first of the first thirteen states to legalize gambling, prostitution and racketeering on some of the most beautiful land our great country has to offer stolen at great expense from the indigenous people no longer welcome here.

It is true, Dullard, Ohi was once capital of these our United States before being disqualified for reasons unmentionable having to do with gambling, prostitution and racketeering allowing first runner up, Washington, D. C. to take our place but not before busybody, most likely to succeed and Miss Congeniality alike, Baltimore had its day.

In 1492 Christopher Columbus in search of the East Indies upon discovery of the New World when he and his ships the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria landed in Dullard remarked, What a world! What a world! What a world!

Words like those quickly spread throughout the Old World like a plague of locusts bringing willing pilgrims high on pilgrimage to the New World here in Dullard.

Not a day since has the pilgrimage problem not been confronted full on and full frontal in Dullard’s City Council. Dullard City Council Members have been fighting for a piece of the profits from the pilgrimage pie since pilgrims first started getting high on pilgrimage and what with the pilgrimage problem at an all time high Dullard’s City Council lead by Dullard City Council President, Charles Earl Dullard paid millions of dollars to an unnamed public relations firm outside Dullard’s city limits to come up with the battle cry:

Billboards plastered around the city and around the state condemn the pilgrim’s progress demanding:

while providing not only an eight hundred number where strung out pilgrims can score but excellent hideaways and secret shelters where these self same pilgrimheads can foolishly engage in their narcoleptic folly.

If you can’t:

come on down to Dullard and join the thronging throngs of pilgrimheads high on pilgrimage. You like many other big time winners being asked, Now that you’ve won what are you going to do? Can reply:

The great state of Massachusetts may brag Plymouth Rock is where the first pilgrims first got high on pilgrimage and indeed Plymouth Rock is where the first pilgrims first got high on pilgrimage in Christopher Columbus’s New World but Plymouth Rock is not in Massachusetts.

Plymouth Rock is in Ohi. Not just Ohi but Dullard, Ohi!

And pilgrims getting high on Plymouth Rock may have first gotten high on Plymouth Rock in Plymouth, Massachusetts but during Massachusetts’ recent fiscal crisis, during which the Massachusetts State Legislature legalized same sex marriages in the hope of generating same sex profits, the Dullard City Council lead by Dullard City Council President Lee Harvey Dullard voted anonymously to purchase Plymouth Rock from Plymouth, Massachusetts.

On a brighter note Dullard has more houses of worship than any other city state in the union. More houses to suit any and all personal worship needs.

Yes, Dullard has it all and then some. No end of religious crazies postulating their insane beliefs, defending polygamy, misogyny, pedophilia, fascism and genital mutilation while denouncing the same sex relationships they have become embroiled in.

Ohi, smack dab right in the middle of everything this great country has to offer borders the great state of New York on our eastern flank and the great state of California on our western flank. Mexico on our bottom and Canada on our top.

Ohi’s capital city of Dullard, sister city to both Los Angels, California and New York, New York has everything our sister cities have to offer, an intrepid Tee Vee industry and forward thinking fashion center to say nothing of Dullard’s Central Park and annual Academy of Warts presentation and Tee Vee show.

Dullard’s great Central Park surrounded by Dullard’s finest, and one must add expensive, real estate, opulent mansions sandwiched between hideous slums housing billionaires and the indigents who’d rather collect relief than clean the toilets of the rich, is smugly snuggled somewhere in Dullard’s lower right hand corner just around the corner form Dullard’s notorious Red Light District.

Covering a whopping eight hundred and forty three acres, a total of sixty percent of Dullard proper, Dullard’s Red Light District dwarfs Dullard’s Central Park by a landslide but can never diminish Dullard’s Central Park being a land developer’s dream. And land developers have been dreaming of getting their greasy hands on Dullard’s Central Park from the get go but Dullard’s City Council and our intrepid Mayor, Mayor Thomas Jefferson Dullard have always said, No! No! Just Say No! Not unless we get the biggest piece of the pie!

The sweeping vistas of Dullard’s Central Park are never hindered, as many conservationists claim, by so many of Central Park’s exciting attractions.

The Dullard City Solid Waste Treatment Plant.

The Dullard City Industrial Complex and Municipal Parking Lot.

Dullard City’s exciting, and nearly brand new recycling center and Superfund Site. From coal tar to photo chemicals, from fabric dye to radioactive isotopes Dullard’s exciting nearly brand new recycling center has it all. And has it all free to the public.

What would a great public park be without an incredible children’s play ground? Parents are warned to keep the kiddies away from the legislative sandbox as the feral cat problem in Dullard has yet to be recognized but one of the two memorial mayoral swings is still working unlike Mayor Thomas Dewey Dullard’s staff.

Yes, Dullard has everything our sister cities claim as their own only Dullard has something more!

A reputation we’d rather not talk about!

Dullard, Ohi, being a great state capital, would rather the dirt was spilled here, spilled now and spilled specifically in our Superfund Site, then heard somewhere else second hand by the likes of those gossiping New Yorkers and Los Angelinos.

The rumors are true! Dullard, Ohi is, as often claimed by our jealous sisters, the cradle of slavery. One, if not the first, state capitals and city states of the original thirteen state capitals and city states to buy, sell and trade human beings as livestock.

Dullard, Ohi, its politicians, its civic and religious leaders but most importantly its people have attempted over the years to eradicate this trifling error by becoming a staunch red state. A staunch red state key and corner stone in national presidential elections, EN BEE AYE playoffs and beauty pageants alike. Which guarantees Ohi national scrutiny, amazing profits and no bothersome income tax for the rich, the grandiose, and staunch political supporters.

On a lighter note, Dullard’s Slave Markets are Dullard’s largest tourist draw and remain open and operating as they have done since their inception on a purely educational level to remind us, that we, like the Vatican, when it comes to power, corruption and greed can still make ridiculously simple mistakes especially when those ridiculously simple mistakes guarantee our power, corruption and greed continue to flourish upon the Earth.

General George Washington Bush, on affairs of state, most probably to buy slaves to support his philandering war machine, slept here. Not at Dullard’s beautifully appointed Super Eight Motel which boasts two hundred and twenty two channels of live porn in each and every room and not, as is reported in all the erroneous history books, with his lovely first wife Martha Stewart Washington.

And not as many residents claim with the men of his regiment.

Oh! Those desperate busybodies want so desperately to keep up with the Joneses of Massachusetts’ open minded views on same sex relationships and the engorging profits those self same same sex relationships bring a flaccid economy.

But with his horse.

Believe me it isn’t what you think!

It was winter. Ohi is the coldest state in the union especially in winter. And Dullard, Ohi’s coldest city, often referred to by perky weatherpeople as the Siberia of the West, has the most brutal winters of all. The winter General George Washington Bush slept here was the coldest winter in Ohi’s recorded history and shortages of heating oil due to Middle East embargos caused by greedy bureaucratic concerns over war profiteering made horses a great comfort in Dullard’s fine homes, finer lodging establishments, and finest brothels on Dullard’s coldest of cold winter nights.

Once upon a time, when human slavery was king, before economic slavery and all manufacturing was done overseas by underpaid overexploited children Dullard could boast sweat shops of infinitesimal variety.

These days not even Dullard’s famous auto industry can claim noteworthy profits above and beyond the government subsidies, bailouts and economic stimulus packages it can get its greedy hands on.

Dullard, long before Detroit assumed the name, title and position, was once known as the Motor City and is still the home of Yabigho Motors manufactures of the infamous Neneh Yabigho, the world’s largest gasoline guzzling automobile.

A Neneh Yabigho, as extinct as the dinosaurs and the legend the great car was named for, hasn’t been produced in Dullard since the turn of the last century several centuries ago but Dullard’s world famous Yabigho’s Motor’s Hall of Fame means jobs for the people of Dullard drawing a steady stream of drooling gawkers high on gasoline fumes and employs a record four members of city council President Mark David Dullard’s immediate family.

A stronghold of manufacturing at the turn of the last century before the addition of cable to every home in these our United States Dullard’s manufacturing sector produced everything from antiperspirant to antipersonnel mines. Back in the dark days when Dullard’s industrious workforce was industrious Dullard’s industrious workforce bitterly complained the lack of unions and there being nothing on Tee Vee as Dullard’s staunch City Council had outlawed unions as unconstitutional, unprofitable and unpatriotic and there were only two Tee Vee stations. One for old movies. The other for old weather.

With nothing but old movies and old weather to watch on the Tee Vee Dullard’s industrious workforce would leave their homes and gigantic fifty two inch plasma Tee Vee screens in droves to picket Dullard’s anti-union manufacturing concerns but more often to work.

So strong were union proclivities in Dullard it appeared without the City Council’s intervention Dullard’s power elite would soon lose all their power to the struggling labor masses.

We can’t have that! screamed Dullard’s power elite.

Thyme Dullard, inventor, scholar and father of the illuminated toilet, a compatriot and forward thinking partner of Thomas Alva Edison, Nikola Tesla and J.P. Morgan, on a drunken business orgy in Dullard’s infamous Red Light District stumbling over an old stack of Tee Vee Guides, union brochures and the cable cord of a dysfunctional set of ethnic anal beads in Dullard’s most famous house inadvertently stumbled upon the plan to wire every house, especially those houses in Dullard’s Red Light District, giving everyone watching more Tee Vee channels than they could ever watch and far less household clutter.

We’ll call it Thyme Dullard Cable, drunkenly intoned Thyme Dullard to his compatriots Thomas Alva Edison, Nikola Tesla and J. P. Morgan, too busy engaged in house un-American activities to notice or care. Think of it, gentlemen, less clutter in the house and more Tee Vee stations than the average man watching can hope to cope with. Houses free of clutter and awash in more Tee Vee stations than the average man can hope to cope with will bring an end to all talk of unions! Possibly all talk as well! Leaving the average citizen with nothing to talk about beyond the inane chatter surrounding intoxicated Tee Vee stars, their intoxicating lives, their intoxicating love affairs, their intoxicating diets, their intoxicating clothing and the intoxicated children they adopt!

Little did Thyme Dullard and his compatriots, Thomas Alva Edison, Nikola Tesla and J.P. Morgan know Thyme Dullard Cable would also bring an end to most, if not all, of Dullard’s manufacturing concerns.

Yes, Dullard’s citizenry can boast, Manufacturing here in Dullard is a forgotten thing of the past!

Dullard’s citizenry, when not engaged in the inane chatter surrounding intoxicated Tee Vee stars, their intoxicating lives, their intoxicating love affairs, their intoxicating diets, their intoxicating clothing and the intoxicated children they adopt still virulently complain there is nothing on Tee Vee to watch but Dullard City Council President James Earl Dullard in a recently televised City Council Special said, and said in song, Yes, we have no programming, we have no programming today! But there’s a whole lot more of nothing to watch!

Special guest stars from every walk of fame in a recently nominated Academy of Warts production number to end all Academy of Warts production numbers proclaimed and proclaimed in song, Nothing ain’t a whole lot of nothing unless nothing is presented in widescreen high definition and full frontal color!

Grinning from ear to ear, a grin as broad as any fifty two inch high definition widescreen Dullard City Council President, Joseph Paul Dullard grandstanded and grandstanded in song, Dullard, Dullard, it’s a toddling town. And Dullard is the first state capital among the first original thirteen state capitals to introduce high definition to the public and that high definition in full frontal color! And you can’t put that down!

Giving Dullard, and most of Ohi’s wide variety of residents, a wide variety and choice in variety choice Tee Vee to fill their empty unemployed days.

Dullard’s population is as wide and diverse as diversity can be wide. A population diverse in religion, ethnicity, nationality, gender, race, age, looks, marital status, appearance, weight and preference for sex.

Dullard’s two main socio-economic groups, the obscenely rich and the disgusting poor live tightly packed, all a jumble and at each others’ throats within the confines of Dullard’s sweeping environmental vistas, open sewers and running sores.

At one time Dullard having the highest ranking school system in the country both public and private attracted a diverse population wanting to teach and to learn. Education is never more important than when the education that can be bought is brand name education. And Dullard had brand name education in spades.

Our public school system unable to function on a diet of reduced public funding found solace in the private sector becoming one of the first school systems in the First Thirteen Continental United States to receive private support from public concerns. Sponsors abounded lending product names and logos in place of educational tools. Never before had our populace been so programmed to buy what they were told to buy, buy what they were told to buy when they were told to buy it and buy what they were told to buy when they were told to buy it where they were told to buy it. And our populace, like your populace, bought all of it without question or asking for a lavatory pass!

If you were one of the few, the proud, the elite you would have attended the exclusive and restrictive Miss Pottee’s Girls School one of the premiere educational establishments in the First Continental Thirteen United States.

Miss Pottee’s Girls School didn’t take just any old girl. Actually Miss Pottee’s Girls School didn’t take any girls, because as Dullard School Board President John Hinckley Dullard has said time and time again, in referendum after referendum, leading to legislative bill after legislative bill, What after all is the point of educating a girl? Girls have no testicles, require no education and can never grow up to be Pope. An educated girl is a waste of good education before god as a girl is only going to grow up, get married, have babies and leave you for someone with a fatter wallet and larger penis!

Which left Miss Pottee’s Girls School with no choice but to educate boys. Not just any old boys. A Miss Pottee’s Girls’ School girl had to be a boy of caliber, breeding, quality and wealth. Something very few, actually no, residents of Dullard could claim.

Miss Pottee’s Girls School like so much of Dullard’s historic past has gone the way of all great things historical having recently been closed by Dullard’s Board of Educational Governors for failure to pay proceeds from its gambling, prostitution and racketeering after school activities’ graft associated with gambling, prostitution and racketeering to said governors.

But sob not for Miss Pottee’s Girl’s School because Miss Pottee’s Girls School Hall of Fame means jobs for the people of Dullard. As Miss Pottee’s Girls School Hall of Fame is rapidly becoming one of Dullard’s most promising tourist attractions employing three out of five of Dullard School Board President Arthur Bremer Dullard’s illegitimate children.

Famous for the arts Dullard has the arts in spades from our first rate strip clubs, where a lap dance will cost you but a smile is for free to the Neneh Yabigho Center for the Performing Arts at Dullard’s third rate Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts where even a smile will cost you and cost you more than you will ever care to spend.

Going to the theater? Taking in a show? Going to see The Best of Neneh Yabigho’s Tee Vee Commercial Fame. The Life and Tee Vee Times of Neneh Yabigho a lavish one woman show starring Helene Komhellor-Hywarter of Yabigho Motor Oil Antiperspirant commercial fame at the Neneh Yabigho Center for the Performing Arts at Dullard’s Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts why not take advantage of a before theater snack or after theater dinner with complimentary half price drinks for all at one of Dullard’s immaculate restaurants?

Dullard is rife with immaculate restaurants. Over forty four thousand immaculate restaurants all of them of the franchise fast food variety currently under scrutiny and indictment by Dullard’s Department of Health for their use and abuse of superfatted trans fats in processing.

Forty four thousand fast food restaurants! That’s two point three fast food restaurants on every street corner in Dullard. Beaten out only by the four point five barrooms on every street corner in Dullard. Meaning a whole lot of hard drinking and good eats on every street corner in Dullard. So if you’re hungry, or thirsty, before or after the theater, or just sitting in front of your giant fifty two inch widescreen high definition plasma Tee Vee, and who isn’t… hungry, and hungry for superfatted trans fats currently under indictment, come on down to Dullard, or call for speedy guaranteed in thirty minutes home delivery or your order is free, and as Dullard City Council President Charles Guiteau Dullard says, On your knees folks and eat the fat!

Sad but true Dullard, and the great city state of Ohi, haven’t been quite the giants of industry, artistry and political posturing they once were since the Miss Anemia Pageant jumped ship for the greener pastures of Atlantic City, New Jersey, Presidents Joseph, John, Robert and Edward Kennedy were simultaneously executed for crimes against humanity upon Dullard’s world famous Grassy Knoll and Dullard’s spine-tingling, never solved Orange Juice Murders!

Many were murdered but only one murderer was tried and set free but Dullard’s world famous Orange Juice Murder Hall of Fame has it all! The death car! The previously used triple X-large condoms and even the infamous glove! And all for one low admission price per person payable by coin or token every five minutes.

Dullard’s world famous Orange Juice Murder Hall of Fame means jobs in Dullard! Seven out of seven of Dullard City Council President, Sirhan Sirhan Dullard’s brother in-laws reenact the brutal rapes and bloody murders two maybe three times a year, when there’s a visiting public dignitary or paying customer and collect a paycheck each and every day.

Have no fear Dullard! Things are picking up! Members of Dullard’s City Council today joyfully announced a positive improvement to Dullard, Ohi’s standing in Billboards Top One Hundred State Capitols of the Original First Thirteen State Capitals of the Original Thirteen States as the litigation and subsequent trial concerning one of Dullard, Ohi’s most famous residents, Madjay Devon Dullard, born Neneh Yabigho right here in Dullard is coming to a courtroom near you!

For those of you who have never heard of Neneh Yabigho I say get the wax out of your ears!

Neneh Yabigho from a tender age knew Dullard was no place to be someone and quickly migrated all over the world finding greener pastures and richer husbands but not before becoming an international celebrity and living a life the rest of us Dullards can only imagine.

Having done it all Neneh Yabigho returned to Dullard a very rich woman with a brand new name, Madjay Deven Dullard to escape federal prosecution for gambling, prostitution and racketeering. Many gossiping insiders claim Madjay Devon Dullard is the richest woman in the world and returned to Dullard to protect her vast fortune as residents of Dullard pay no income tax much to the chagrin of the federal government.

Having lived a ife of grandeur and acquisition Madjay Devon Dullard married more times than can be counted, so many times Madjay Devon Dullard holds a Guinness Beer Book of Records as the most married woman of her or anyone else’s generation beating Zsa Zsa Gabor, Liz Taylor and Henry the Eighth, hands down combined and in triplicate and released this mortal coil in Dullard’s finest home and showplace at the tender age of one hundred and three leaving all her worldly goods and huge wealth to her celebrated celebrity dogs Boy Zee and Ida Ho.

Not since Leona Helmsley bequeathed her fortune to Trouble her beloved white Maltese has there been so much brouhaha and hoopla over canine inheritance unless we mention Brooke Astor but as Mrs. Astor was not a resident of Ohi we’ll not mention her name or the names of her little doggies.

Dullard City Council Members promise Madjay Devon Dullard’s Home and Hall of Fame will be open to the public just as soon as the estate has been settled and Boy Zee and Ida Ho have signed on to the lucrative deal turning Madjay Devon Dullard’s home into an amusement park.

No cohesive date has yet been set for the grand opening of the Madjay Kingdom, which promises Movies, Magic and More Money, as Stewart Piedmont Dullard, the illegitimate son of Madjay Devon Dullard, is currently suing executors of his mother’s estate for the alleged billions Madjay Devon Dullard allegedly accrued over her alleged lifetime of acquisitive acquisition but many, if not all, possible employment positions have already been filled by members of City Council President Robert Chambers Dullard family.

Having hired Dullard’s most outrageously outstanding legal minds and representatives, the law firm of A. Nuss and A. Nuss Ass. Whole Legal Defense Fund to represent him in his battle against his mother’s dogs, Stewart Piedmont Dullard promises residents of Dullard and Tee Vee viewers around the nation and around the globe in high definition and full frontal color a court case of unparalleled virtue, stature and pay per view demand.

Judge Devon, “Daddy Darling,” Dullard, a former paramour of Mrs. Dullard’s, taking time out from taping his celebrated celebrity Tee Vee show, Judge Deven, “Daddy Darling,” Dullard’s Court will preside over the exciting televised proceedings.

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Bayard works in many disciplines. Writing is one of his favorites.